︎The playlistAnonymous, 31
This is a different kind of love story, mostly because it is a different kind of love. It is not romantic, but it is not just a friendship. It is something so very different. "Soulmates" was the closest we could get to naming it. But it is not quite that either.
I met you in the mountains. You were one of many people in our group. I felt the warm, subtle feeling of connection the minute our eyes met across the room. The feeling that is not eager or intense. The kind of feeling that just makes you comfortable. Barely noticeable. "Home" kind of feeling. The one that makes you smile a little and move on. We didn't talk much during our time in the mountains. Just small conversations here and there about simple things like job experiences and "what you had for lunch?". I had no time for anything else. I had to be intimate with myself there. I had to suck in all the beauty of the mountains and figure out how I feel about my identity. Zoom out from the world and zoom in to me. Mountains are the perfect place to do this. Our eyes kept meeting from afar and smiles kept arising making us giggle a bit more than usual. The connection was noticeable more and more.
The last night of our adventure I talked to you. Really talked. The talk with electricity, confusion, and nothing else around us. True, raw, beautiful conversation. I have to say we were both happy in love with our partners at home. There wasn't a question about that. We liked our beautiful lives there back in reality. This wasn't a try to escape. But the emotions were so strong it was hard not to get confused. Our social brains needed us to explain this. Put this connection in one of the boxes - love, friendship, crush, anything else. But it was something else. Something that has no name yet. I went home. You wrote. We kept in touch. It grew to be even stronger and even more unexplainable.
Happy at home, but afraid of screwing this "US" up. You made a playlist. A playlist for me, about me. You said it's therapy. And I realized I HAVE NEVER HAD A PLAYLIST. WHAT?! I always listened to music others wanted to hear. Because I am the kind of person who likes every kind of song. Most of the time I like "every kind of everything". I need the other person to feel good in order to feel good myself. So music was the least of my criteria to have a good time. It never occurred to me that in a way this made me lose myself. I heard a song and it made me think of you. So I made a playlist. First for you, then for myself. We didn't talk. We communicated with songs. Then we could talk again. When we put the soundtrack of our relationship into words, we realized we are connected even more. We have this magic between us. We are thousands of miles and timezone away and yet, somehow, we are still together. MA-GIC! How can you explain this? You can't. We tried. We were so careful, so considerate of our partners, so honest to each other and them. Painfully honest. This didn't work out. Not yet at least. I had to put the playlist you made for me away for a while. It is too hard to listen, but not to talk. I keep hearing the songs that make me think of you. So now the playlist I made for you became a playlist for me. I have to keep you somewhere, I don't have enough space in myself. Sometimes the only way to love is from afar. I hope this doesn't stay true for a long. Truth can change in time, right? I'm happy at home. But I do miss the feeling of "home" with you like crazy. But you are with me all the time. Now I have lots of playlists. Thanks to you I walk around with the soundtrack of my life with me everywhere. Making new memories with old music.
Imagine someone listening to a song and thinking of you. Is there anything more intimate?