Unleash my anxious Schrödinger's cat



“I remember the first time when I realized I was dealing with a lot of anxiety. Was right after my grandma's funeral when I truly experienced death and the harsh fact that things cannot be changed once they are gone (at least now).⁠ I tried to deal with it, I was projecting all the next steps with me being out of control and it was something that was draining all my energy out. ⁠
My first therapist taught me that breathing is the key and it's normal to feel like that cuz’ it's the moment when you realize that some layers that were protecting your emotional state are ripped out of your genealogical tree. And the first layer represents your grandparents and then your parents and then here you are, naked, clumsy, in the very first child phase with none prepared answer to face whatever it is to face. ⁠
It's been like 4 years since then, I still cannot look at the sun with my eyes open and time proved me that trying to control everything will create a lot of defensive mechanisms that will estrange me from my inner self and eventually will just create a version of myself that is not actually myself. It’s like living in someone’s else’s skin and mind and that’s when I think anxiety arises, being an imposture in your own life. That’s crazy.⁠
But who am I when I am not afraid of anything? Am I better? Am I worse? Am I becoming someone that people are not expecting to see? Is the key to happiness actually letting myself be the kid that never grew up, with flaws, mistakes and a huge appetite to play even in the most serious situations? ⁠
So, the best gift that I could give myself is me, the one with good jokes but she’s afraid to say it out loud, the one with interesting topics and challenging conversations, the one loving and cheesy, who was afraid many times to not feel too much, and finally to be able to unleash my anxious Schrödinger's cat, that never wanted me to leave it, or maybe it did.”



text:

Manuela⁠, 27
Romania
June 2019