Two pandemics

Sam, 30
︎Barcelona, Spain

“The last ten days were something new.
Two pandemics. One is something dangerous spreading rapidly around the world, the other one is something unknown sprawling slowly in every corner of myself. The former looks like the horrific mirror background of the later.

I let myself blinded by the internal outbreak and it took me some time to notice the reality of the external one, and I feel bad about my behaviour of the last days. Misinformed, nonchalant, going out and not taking enough care of myself and others.

Alone in my studio thousands of miles away from my friends and family in a country which was not home a few months ago, I am now afraid for my mother who is just out of chemo, I am afraid for my father who is 70 years old, I am afraid for all the people I care about, and for all the people. I am afraid for myself.
So what? First I turned 30, and then I cried. My life is a lie for I am not a man. Well, who is?

I think I am starting to learn self-love, and this is a frightening and contagious virus.

Are we all confined going through an inner plague at the moment?
I believe courage is the key opening both the inside and the outside door.”