I am a relationshipSunday, 12th of July 2020
I had a girlfriend once. I read this somewhere today: "I had a girlfriend once." Five words I'm gonna try to talk about, although I doubt we'll ever get to talk about what I want to talk about. I want to talk about something uncertain, fragile, maybe beyond words. Because there is a place beyond words, and that's where it all begins. Where it all begins again. Where it's always been while we've been looking for another place. So probably I can't really say what I'm looking for, my words can't really talk to who I want to talk to, to what I want to talk to. But in a shattered reality, maybe words can be landmarks. At least that's what they say. So there are five seemingly insignificant words in the sentence above, and three of them are starting to sound weird to more and more people. Something is going on.
I had a girlfriend once. Can you ever "have" anything to begin with, let alone people? "Have." But what does that mean? Is it physical proximity? Is it use at will? Does it imply boundaries and limits? Is it about eating? Or what? Many of us can no longer sincerely understand what kind of otherworldly notion is at stake when people say "having”. I'm sitting in front of my computer, but do I "have" it? When do I "have" something? I'm not playing here, I'm confused.
I had a girlfriend once. So what kind of strange, unspoken alliance is underneath the term "girlfriend"? Are such contracts even possible in the real world, outside of our own projected movie theater? Can free beings sign contracts for real, or can they just pretend to sign contracts and play a game? Is it all just a game? "girlfriends", "boyfriends"... are they partners? Partners in crime? Friends with benefits? I'm losing touch with easy notions, as is everyone else, whether they've noticed it yet or not. And what are "girls" anyway? Are we seriously taking seriously these grotesque puppets that we pretend to be because we are afraid of who-knows-what, or are we finally going to admit the obvious reality that only people exist? Unbelievable.
I had a girlfriend once. But maybe the first term is the weirdest. And it's getting wild now. We're starting to lose everything here. I mean winning it all. Who's the "I" speaking for? Is someone or something separate enough from everything else to express themselves and perceive things from a particular place? What is a place when there is a whole? Am I not the world itself? Who do you think I am to pretend that I am something? I'm nothing, I mean, nothing is nothing, there's just something maybe and that's it. There's one thing. There's no "thing". There's no "I." The "I" is the world itself talking, isn't it? How could it be otherwise? Listen, listen. I'm not going to engage in a play on words or philosophy or voodoo or anything else. I'm just writing for the person who can read that everything is everything and nothing is something. That you are not a "thing", that you are not separate from other so-called "things". Death is not a problem, by the way, it is the same illusion as the "I", because you were never a "thing" in the first place, so there is nothing to die for. Breathe, relax and start being in love. Exist. It is both simple and dark to the broken beings we have become. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
I was reading a simple sentence in a magazine, "I had a girlfriend," and now I'm lost and confused. Or maybe I'm recovering from that loss and confusion. I feel like the ground is so fragile with cold water depths underneath it. Are all the things we think, say and do, all these things, so meaningless? Is this the world we live in? Are these just fictions that we mistake for reality? What kind of fear drives us to do this? Has human consciousness been stuck in this for decades, centuries, millennia? Forever? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I know that many voices have been raised, and many voices are still being raised, with the intention of pointing out these voids as well. I know that the mutation has begun, I know that it is irreversible, I know that it is useless to talk about it.
Love is on its way. What's going on? In tomorrow’s personless world, there will be no me, no having, no girlfriends. There will be love, and love, and love. You are wandering in the void, you have asked for nothing, and every thing or person you meet is a gift. Every thing or person you meet is love. Every thing or person you meet is yourself. Every person, basically, is one and the same person. There is only one person, I mean, there is no person. There are no relationships either, because relationships presuppose persons to be in a relationship. There are no relationships, I mean, everything is a relationship. There is only relationship, so relationships don't exist. I'm a relationship.