︎Focus

A, 29
Cluj-Napoca, Romania


How do you re-experience and reflect upon things when you don’t figure out how to recall them?
Fade-in, fade out.
When the ending credits of the film start, you forgot how the film was. (you are the protagonist)

I live in a constant fear of not losing my memory. Therefore, I need to draw maps. I`ve got plenty of notebooks. I need to have my own words written. To focus, focus, focus.
Focus. I spell it again, I spell it backwards (sucof) and hope to not lose it. It`s like a nasty spell.

Last time, we were in the middle of a conversation when I completely forgot what it was about, and it was scary. Some other time, I went to the supermarket and asked myself for a minute what I was looking for there. And the most disappointing is when I don`t remember the names of things I used to like, or things I said, and therefore, I keep repeating myself blabbering things you already heard. I am afraid that I may seem unreliable when I lose it, even though I realize that this is the most stupid thing I can think about. And when I find myself reflecting upon this, I sometimes get a little amused about this concern, and then realize that I don`t really make such a big thing out of it - these things are normal when you are living the life of a rollercoaster. But sometimes, when I understand how easily memories can be displaced, and how little is our power to control and own them, it triggers me, and that is when I go a little down the rabbit hole.

Sometimes, when I look at my hands I get a secure feeling, probably because it`s the most common and familiar thing I see constantly in front of me. They resemble a comforting image of something that is always there with me and for me. I feel that no matter what, they will remember me always who I am. (or at least hope so)