Emotional rollercoaster

October 2019

I've met her while I was having serious emotional issues and my life just started falling apart. I was, as she called it, on an emotional rollercoaster. And boy, what a ride that was. An unsatisfying life and relationship on the verge of breaking, a lost and forgotten love just resurrected, and in the midst of it all, there she was. A bright student, out of the middle of nowhere, challenging me and demanding some attention and involvement I wasn't ready for.

Somehow I ended up flirting, and I still don't know why, because she's been the only human being, in the last decade, able to take me out of my comfort zone up to a point where I never thought I'd end.

If you can imagine, she asked me out for lunch and asked what it was that we were doing. And many other uncomfortable questions I struggled to answer. And it got worse for a while. A period of depression, nights spent crying at work and self-destructive tendencies unleashed. But she stayed, and she never left, and helped me through it all and kept on challenging me.

I have and will always tell her, but only her, that she makes me want to be a better person. A smarter person, a happier person, a more dedicated person, a better human being. And it almost makes sense to try that. For her. But she'd want me to do it for me, not for her. And then, only then, might she... but what am I talking about.
So I fell for her, and for a long time, it's the only thing that made sense for me, as everything else got worse at home, in my life, and in my head. She was the one that kept me going, and somehow what she did to me, though we were never together for more than just a half-hour of talking, worked.

I haven't seen her in a long time and now it seems that we got back to being in different universes. And the real reason I wanted to submit this here is regret. I regret having been so self-centered all this time. I have the feeling she tried to open up a couple of times and I wasn't there for her. And then that door closed itself and I got left outside. Maybe I deserve to be here, but I wish I could have done something for her, too... I'm sure she needed it at some point, and I could not give it to her.

This story is part of our collection on intimacy. Read all stories here: